Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Time to wake up and make the change I know I am ready for

I have been telling myself that I am going to be the best version of me I can be to celebrate turning 40 this year. Well, that hasn't happened in the physical sense that can be seen either in a mirror or by others. But something has been brewing inside for the last couple of weeks that has slowly been grinding on me to get up and do something.  So as I lay trying to fall back to sleep at 3am on a Tuesday morning, I let out a big sigh and knew I was ready for the first step to re-finding myself and redefining who I want to be in this next chapter of life.

While there is one specific person I feel has gently, and figuratively slapped me to my senses,  I am not going to name names here because there are so many helping hands that have lifted me up and helped me be the amazingly,  phenomenal woman that I am today.  For everyone who I know who has been there, even if for a minute, please know I  love you and so value your friendship and kindness.

So here it goes.... I have always had body awareness issues. While I have never truly been obese, I have also never really been a healthy weight either.  I have gained and lost the same 30 pounds at least 3 times so far. Now I find myself at the heavy side of my comfort zone again and I keep doing things to self destruct so I just don't have to deal with it again.

There are many reason people choose to not eat the way they know is best. For me, each time I have gained back those deadly 30 pounds it has been for the same reason (and today I am going to say out loud for not only everyone else to hear but also so that I may hear it).  I don't like random physical attention. Now let me explain that. I know we are all going to look at and appreciate other people we are attracted to. I get that, I really do. But I don't like it. We are born the way God intends us to be. Granted He has also made people and technology available that can alter us, in the end each and every one of us needs to find peace in ourselves.

Each time I have lost or found those pesky 30 pounds, I have been able to maintain it for extended periods of time.  Last time I was a light weight was in 2006, when I moved to Las Vegas for a teaching job. Sounds easy enough. It took about 2 years to find almost 20 and I have spent the last year finding the last 10.  For better or for worse, I have been granted with certain physical assets.  Some pay a lot of money so they can have them. Others may spend money to have less of them, usually for health reasons. If you haven't guessed, I am talking about breasts. The lighter I am, the more noticeable they are (unless I just wear a tent or moomoo of some kind ). 

I have never liked or known how to deal with the attention this brings from  random strangers of the male species.  Ashamed is not the right word but it is close. I wish our society would make less sexual clothing.  I wish women would just admit to themselves and embrace their size, no matter what  it is. I hate that I have to try on everything. Womens sizing is so all over the place.  Just tell me the measurements of my jeans like you would for men and let me buy some damn pants without having to try on what seems like 50 pairs to find one that fits.

So back to my original thought pattern for this blog... I don't like confrontation. I don't like to (and this is hard to admit to), I don't know how to say what I am thinking when I am thinking it to the person who needs to hear it. If someone does something that makes you uncomfortable for some reason, they don't know to modify their behavior if I can't find the strength to tell them something is wrong. We all just need to take a meditative breath, and gently plow through what we need to so life can be clear, specific, and enjoyable (or at least liveable).

I don't like my body when I am at a healthy weight because I don't like random strangers looking at me (since they often make unwanted comments). Ladies, please learn to lift each other up in positive ways. Don't hate on someone for something you assume of them. We all have inner struggles. We all need compassion. We all need to feel wanted and accepted for who we are right now in this exact moment. Gentlemen, please don't assume we look like we do for you to look at and make rude or unwanted comments.  Speak to us as you would want you would want your mother, sister, or daughter spoken to. Remember, if you would kick another guys ass for saying something to the woman in your life, the don't say it yourself.

To the person who has helped  me find peace this very early morning, thank you. Your tough love, strength, and commitment to who you are is pushing me to fight back and regain the confidence I needed in myself.  I just hope you will continue to go down the path of life with me, no matter what that represents. Your friendship means the world to me in so many ways, and I love you for believing in me enough to push me towards where you knew I wanted to go and needed to be (even if it was because you were just protecting yourself). I hope you always continue to be a light of strength in my life.

Lord, please let today bring strength, comfort , confidence,  and emotional endurance/healing so that I can do the things I need to do to be strong within myself. Please give me the opportunity to be the person You intended me to be. Please continue to bring people into my life who help me be stronger.  Please give me  the strength to rediscover the amazing,  phenomenal person You intend me to be.

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